


after

by yongz



Category: Given (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:02:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29099241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yongz/pseuds/yongz
Summary: Mafuyu reflects on his relationship with Uenoyama and his Yuki's death.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Kudos: 22





	after

**Author's Note:**

> short introspect vent fic on death, and grieving

Mafuyu loved him so much. And yet Mafuyu loves Uenoyama so much it hurts. He loves them both, even though in the present his love for Uenoyama seems like his shadows his love for Yuki. When in truth they're the same. Just different.

His heart aches every time he looks at the head of black hair, yearning to reach out and press and smother him with kisses any time he sees him. He restrains himself, because he knows they wouldn't like it all the time. Sure, he may tolerate some times, but Uenoyama is his own person. And deserves not to be smothered by an overbearing lover or friend.

They're approaching 2 years since Yuki passed away, and yet some days the wound feels still as raw as the day he first died. Uenoyama is wonderful. And he loves him very much, and he does make him very happy. Even after all this time, just thinking about him, looking at pictures or videos of her, hurts. It hurts to remember. For a while, Mafuyu all but forced him out of mind because it just simply hurt too much.

One of his biggest regrets is their last conversation. He wishes it had all gone differently. Of course he did. Knowing now, he wished he never said those words. But then he didn't know. He couldn't have.

He wishes he had sat down beside Yuki. Wishes he had held his hand. Memorized the patterns on his skin or the way his hair fell on his face. The way his chest rose with each breath. The way he smelled. The way his hand slotted into Mafuyu's.

He wishes he had pressed kisses to his nose and forehead. Spoken a million more words of how much he loved him. He wishes he had. He wishes he had...

Mafuyu remembers when they went ice skating once. Yuki had held his hand the whole time. He could barely stand or walk on ice, and yet they somehow completed a few laps around the rink. Mafuyu remembers the way the snow fell, and how the light looked on Yuki's face.

He finds himself forgetting the sound of Yuki's laugh sometimes. The smell of his hair. The texture of his hands. It scares Mafuyu. They say that the first thing a person forgets about someone is the sound of their voice.

Mafuyu makes sure to replay Yuki's voice in his head day after day.

Sometimes it doesn't sound so bad. Forgetting, that is. To ignore it all until he eventually forgets the pain that was Yuki and Yuki's death. It sounds nice, almost.

But he knows that's not healthy. He needs to process it. Face his grief no matter how painful it is to remember, to truly _remember_ how he was. Mafuyu sometimes worries that the pain will never go away. That he'll always feel this raw, like an exposed nerve, anytime Yuki is thought of or mentioned.

He can only hope that that's not true.

For now, he holds Uenoyama's hands and presses kisses along the line of his jaw the way he wished he had with Yuki and thanks his stars that he's found someone just as wonderful.


End file.
